Tuesday, June 15, 2021

For the Men: Your Gender is Not a Reason for Shame

I have noticed a disturbing trend in my Facebook feed of late, even more disturbing when it comes from people who are part of the kink community. Although, I have seen it from those I presume to be vanilla as well as community folks. As members of the BDSM and/or LGBTQIA+ communities, we're supposed to be all about the celebration of the free expression of gender and sexuality

So why are we so comfortable shitting on men as a gender?

I have seen ridiculous posts lately basically shaming men for existing, or indicating that they should apologize for being men or heterosexual men. It utterly baffles me that anyone should be expected to apologize for fundamental aspects of their identity that they can't change.

Image text: Yes, I'm bisexual: I'm attracted to
women because women are incredible, and
I'm attracted to men because I love making
bad choices.

Why are posts like this okay? I understand that there are a lot of men who have done problematic things in this world, but there are toxic women, just the same as men. I recently saw a post where a woman complained because a friend of hers expressed problematic views, all of which were indeed problematic. Except for the last one. Apparently it was problematic that this person DID NOT believe that "Men are trash."

This is not the first time that I have witnessed problematic statements like this, and it bothers me. Yes, there are horrible men in this world, but I think it is wrong to vilify an entire gender just for existing. Does this "men are trash" sentiment apply to transmen too? Because transmen are men, after all. 

Image text: The fact that I'm still attracted to men
should prove that sexuality is not a choice.

Here is another one. I understand the sentiment behind this, trying to indicate that sexuality isn't a choice, but was it really necessary to indicate that it's distasteful to be attracted to men? 

There's just something really gross about expecting men to feel bad for being men. I don't deny that there are social conventions and educational issues that lead to toxic masculinity and the propagation of rape culture. But there are so many amazing men in this world who fight against these things and love as hard as people of any other gender.

I am all for holding men accountable for their actions and encouraging men to hold other men accountable and to educate others to help bring an end to these social issues. What I am not for is shaming men for their gender, expecting them to apologize for an aspect of themselves that they cannot change, and making them feel like you believe your attraction to them is somehow bad or wrong. 

I've always found gender supremacy to be very distasteful, regardless of the gender being put up on the pedestal. We're supposed to be about equality and inclusion. That certainly can't be achieved by belittling each other at every turn.

Your actions define you, not your gender, not your sexuality, not your race, or any other fundamental quality you were born with. Never apologize for those things. Your existence is not a reason for shame. 

We need to do better and not reduce people to those singular immutable aspects. Those attributes are not what makes someone good or bad, or better than anyone else. 

Whatever gender you are, be proud of it and don't let others shame you for it. You are amazing, or, at the very least, you have the potential to be. Never let the hatred of others hold you back.  


Wicked Wednesday


  1. Great post!
    "I think it is wrong to vilify an entire gender just for existing."
    so agree - TY for highlighting this so well
    May x