Friday, May 28, 2021

Orgasms Are Hard

Growing up as a presumed straight girl in a heteronormative patriarchal society, it is drilled into you from your earliest days of budding womanhood that those of the male persuasion can often be selfish lovers, more interested in their own pleasure than yours. It’s a trope you see in various forms of media. Women joke about it, complain about it, but they all admit it exists. We are told he will always get his and you may or may not get yours, depending on whether he knows what he’s doing or even cares to try. 

But what they rarely do is tell you that you probably can’t get yours through penetration. Romance novels outright lie. Virgins always have orgasms the first time and it only ever hurts for just a moment. And they always come from penetration. I remember some time in my teenage years, when my mother and I were reading a lot of the same romance novels, she flat out told me that these scenes were lies and that’s not how things worked. 

My mother’s first experience was nonconsensual and I’m sure that colored things quite a lot, but I also learned later that she did not experience orgasms with a partner until she got with my father, despite having had previous partners. The orgasm gap was certainly a reality for her. But like with many of us, she was kind of raised with the expectation that as a woman, our pleasure often comes last and often not at all. 

Of course, she would not identify this way herself, because that’s just not in her wheelhouse, but I would classify my mother as a heteroromantic ace. I really think she only has/had sex out of a sense of obligation to the relationship, at least in most cases. I’m sure it was different with my father, but I, understandably, do not wish to delve into the particulars of that. thanks.

Now, for myself, orgasms, or, at least, orgasms with others, have been...difficult, and that’s often been a source of shame and a sense of failure. Since adolescence, I have been plagued with an anxiety disorder that includes some physical paranoia. I did not like being touched by anyone outside of my immediate family, and being touched by strangers would often trigger a panic attack. So intimate touch from someone other than myself took a bit of getting used to. 

My first experiences with a man were not exactly stellar. He claimed to want to give me pleasure but made very little effort to do so. When he “tried,” it was often painful and slightly traumatizing, so I learned very quickly how to fake it just to make things stop. It was not a healthy relationship. Looking back on it now, I can recognize it as abusive and I still don’t know the extent of the psychological damage he caused. 

My second partner was infinitely more generous and caring. He was older, so we both had trouble for different reasons, and there were several times we had sex and neither of us climaxed, but it was still a good experience. I remember our first night together, and he was trying so hard to please me, but my body just wouldn’t cooperate and I started crying because I felt that I had let him down. Once we became comfortable with each other, and I unfortunately fell in love with him, orgasms came more easily. All of it made parting all the more devastating.

Throughout those years, I discovered that I was not multiorgasmic, which made erotica books and porn even more alienating, because they seemed so unrealistic with the women coming over and over again and screaming as they did so. I remember being at a group event and a discussion about forced orgasms and orgasming on command came up. Someone mentioned a situation where they were required (or required their partner) to orgasm so many times during a masturbation session before they were allowed to stop. I brought up that something like that wouldn’t work with me, because I am not multiorgasmic. Another woman, a supposed community leader at that, very rudely told me I needed more training then. 

As if all the training in the world could somehow change how my body functions on a basic level.

It was with my most recent partner, that certain puzzle pieces began to click into place. Maybe it wasn’t my disorders, my medications, or my past traumas causing all the issues. Orgasming was still difficult with him, because of physical incompatibilities. My orgasms could not happen during penetrative sex, otherwise everything became too painful for me due to his size. 

I made that mistake once. Once. 

He did his best to please me, and I am certain that with another woman, his efforts would have been more effective, but it was in those months with him that I began to discover the extent of my asexuality and how much of my sexual pleasure was derived from BDSM.

Straight up sex just doesn’t do it for me. I rarely have problems giving myself an orgasm. I have my handy dandy pocket vibe, the ability to dream up the kinkiest shit necessary, and the ability to make instant adjustments to pressure and position as needed in order to blast off that particular rocket. I can only recall a couple times where I was able to come from penetration, and that was with toys, which I honestly don’t do much anymore. I have lots of toys, but I find penetration too much effort for very little payoff when done solo.

I long for the day I find a partner that sticks around long enough for all those different elements to come together to make sex as fun as I remember it being. I would like orgasming to feel less like a chore or an obligation. Someone whose body I can thoroughly explore and a love I can dive into head first. Someone who can close the gap.


Wicked Wednesday


  1. Loved this post and learning about your journey. I too hope all the pieces fit together for u in regards a partner but I have to say it is clear what u have gained over the years is the knowledge of who you are and what you like - that is so important - and hopefully will be key in your future
    May x

  2. The orgasm gap definitely is a reality for so many people, and I can help to think that it doesn't have to be so. Partners can work together to make sure both have their orgasms, or more than one if so desired. As for penetration... it happens very rarely that I climax from penetration, whether with my husband or with a toy. And that woman telling you you need more training... what a douche!
    Thank you for sharing your experiences :)
    ~ Marie xox